January 31/10 - 12:48 p.m.

A thousand memories loom in morning sun.
Winter blows through my imagination, gusts through lost time.

That gorgeous smile that whispers above my bed, straying me from home.
Where is home?

I still believe in Summer days,
always lost but found again.

It seems all that's consistent is my state of mind.
A frozen pool of emotion, washed out sky above his horizon.

It's true, I'm contained to this.

I'll never be set free, not until the story ends.
A thousand blank pages, please, just take the pen.

January 28/10 - 9:12 p.m.

I'm desperate for words here. I've been searching for the right one's for weeks now. I know what I want him to feel, but no idea how to go about it. I just can't seem to spit it out for the life of me. I suppose it's to be expected from anyone other than me, to be at a loss. This is not the case for me, though. Lack of words is not in my nature, so far out of my norm that it almost scares me how lost I am in my own thoughts.

I keep running the same loop, living my days vaguely. My inspiration is simply emptiness, I suppose. Cold fingertips and empty eyes suddenly my trademark. I wonder if I'm okay. I don't feel okay, but then again, I don't feel much at all.

This is the kind of pain time can't heal.

January 27/10 - 11:59 p.m.

Cheap Thoughts
by lauren white

So easily I lose the words that were so hard to find.
Alone in my room,
you on my mind.

The syllables quickly jammed up in my throat,
could not find the heart,
or the letter I wrote.

My thoughts shift like time, mostly lead right to you.
All your words changed my world,
but not one of them true.

I see my whole future lit up in night air,
but I search through lost stars
to find you out there.

I'll grab hold of my future, find you a place.
I just hope time moves faster,
for your heart is a race.

January 25/10 - 10:11 p.m.

Dearest Boy,

I assume you'll never read this. You've never been a fan of my writing when it concerns you, I don't blame you. Must hurt you to watch my words twist you into literature, and then shove cruel meaning between the easy line's you're confined to. I'm sorry for that.

Though I must admit, you were a major setback in my life, I've moved on. It took me a book and a sequel to get over you, might I add the sequels are rarely as good as the first thought. I'm just glad you've found someone who's okay with who you are without them being exactly like you. I'm assuming our problem is we have to much in common. I bet you already thought that scenario through, didn't you.

If you are reading this, by the way, I'd like to take a second to tell you that I hope you've made the biggest mistake of your life. I really hope, that one day you wake up and run after me, just so I'll sleep well knowing I was right all along. To late though, darling. It's much to late for romance, I've retired from bliss.

So I guess all we have for now is our wonderful friendship, the one that's already proved to fail us a few times, but we'll make it through I'm sure. We're both strong people, we're both passionate, but then again we're both equally bizarre, for lack of a better word. The issue's we both have may be a problem but I figure we could always help each other through. Who else is really going to take the time?

Maybe the future holds something exciting to pass the time, but for now I take great pride in the writing you'll never read, and the glances you'll never catch, and the smirk you'll never see (there's one across my face as I write this). Coincidence is dead, fate is the new God, and purple is the new green... or it should be.

So this was nice, we should do this again sometime, or not. I'd rather not waste another keystroke on the matter. I guess this is a suited ending to the dramatics we both thought would never end. Get well soon love, smile... and shave your face.

With All My (Mended) Heart,
Lauren

January 24/10 - 12:27 a.m.

Just talk to me when you miss me,
and if you never do, I guess this is goodbye.

January 23/10 - 8:05 p.m.

Invitation Only
by Lauren White

Life keeps barging through my door,
tracking mud across the floor.
No manners, not one small hello,
just the drift from tired snow.

Next time, I swear I'm not giving in.
Turn that rusty lock, with a cocky solid grin.
Board up my windows, and turn out the lights,
have some peace, take a breath, maybe avoid the pointless fights.

I'll push your ghost into my closet, far into the back.
Curl under these covers, try to find the sleep I lack.
Dance around my bedroom, throw my heart against the wall.
Remember those days, when I used to have it all.

I will not unlock a thing, I don't need to know the truth.
It's much to late to strip myself, or preserve my damaged youth.
I will never turn a light on, I will never feel a breeze.
I'll live a haunted life, for as long as I do please.

So don't go looking for me, don't say hello, please don't knock.
Because if I had to let you in, why invent the lock?

January 19/10 - 10:07 p.m.

Oh, But You'd Never Guess
by lauren white

Could never touch the star light, can't even brush the street light.
I could never catch a thing, not a drift.
Coordination I'll always lack.

Look upwards; velvet sky, shifts in time.
I've always been small.
I'm childish, I'm weak.

Fall to my knee's, break down.
The ground angered, earthquake.
Rest in peace mother nature.

Spinning silhouettes, long live the sunset.
Never do I want it to rise again.
It's just to bright, you're much to harsh.

I've accepted my handicap, arms to short. I'm to hopeless.
Sanity not a choice, but a luxury.
I can't afford it. I'm poor, dirt poor.

January 17/10 - 6:30 p.m.

Scared To Death
by lauren white

You could never stand to see me broken,
you better look the other way.
You said you'd never ever hurt me,
but it hurts with every passing day.
You think that I'll get through this,
but please know I'm not that strong.
You said it's for the better,
but maybe you were wrong.

January 16/10 - 11:45 p.m.

I want to throw it in your face. Scream it through your skull. This is my chance, this is my time, there's no room for you here. Go back where you came from, find change in clearer water. Let me steer this ship, let me venture into this. This is my ocean. Give up while you’re ahead, and go home.

January 16/10 - 9:18 p.m.

Mind Your Own
by lauren white

"Hello Miss, what's your name," the woman asked. A smile shoved onto her face, just as fake as her stance, strait and professional with an outstretched hand. I stared at it, I won't accept.

"Why do you care?" I remarked.

The woman retracted her hand slowly, "Well you're new here --"

"I'm not new; in fact, I've been here to long. I should be going." To be exact, this entire outing was a mistake. What was I thinking? As if people could ever understand. I have no time for this.

"I was just wondering what your name was," the woman breathed. She placed her slender hand into the groove of her hip and looked down on me.

"I don't have a name." This was the truth, anyway. I may have been born with one, but I've decided that it's easily ignored, but obviously not as easily avoided.

"What kind of person doesn't have a name?" The woman shook her head in disbelief, pointedly narrowing her attention on my blank expression. She, on the other hand, had a million emotions floating across her face. The woman looked away from my gaze and held her breath for my reply.

"A smart one." I suggested, or rather stated. I suppose it wasn't at all the answer this woman had expected.

"And why is that?"

"Name's are for people who need to be remembered." I'm never remembered, I wanted to add. I won't though. This person doesn't know me, and probably wouldn't have wanted to prior to this tiring conversation. At this point, it's out of her pure stubbornness as an authority keeping her in my face, her patience obviously running short.

"Who's to say I won't remember you? I have a great memory." Right.

"It doesn't matter if you can remember me or not. It won't account for anything."

"Don't say that... it's not true" Of course, this was the proper thing to say. She could never be so sure. As I thought this, the sleeping pills resting in my purse felt heavier. I shifted my eyes to the lump the bottle created then back to the womans face.

"What will my name do for you? How will my name change your life?"

"It won't, I was just being friendly." You failed.

"Well then, I suggest you let me be on my way." I turned and took a pace back to the door, free at last.

"How old are you?" She interrupted. I shot her a look and heaved a frustrated sigh. This woman is older than I, but much more naive. Can she not see I have no interest in her? Does she not realise I'm on the brink of insanity, and have more important things to attend to?

"I don't age, I just live," I replied simply. Little does she know, it won't be the case for long.

January 16/10 - 3:30 p.m.

The Pursuit
by lauren white

Colours artificial.
Awake but not alive.
Every smile superficial.
No reason to survive.

My heart a ticking clock.
You're a nervous wreck.
It's nearly twelve o'clock.
Your fingertips across my neck.

Pull yourself away.
Can't put yourself together.
Could never find the way.
One to many storms to weather.

I'm sure she'll learn the hard way.
I'm sure you'll teach her all you know.
You never have much to say,
until you've lost your room to grow.

I know I'm a lost cause.
Doomed to rewrite cliche lines.
Rip myself apart, my flaws.
Over estimated the signs.

To wait is wasted time,
but to give up is wasted soul.
I'll get hurt but I'll still climb,
all sweat but no real goal.

Passion shows destination.
Happiness will get you there.
Enough with tired conversation,
free fall. Rebel with air.

January 15/10 - 3:42 p.m.

I'm always the one to worry. Over thinking everything worth thinking about. Sometimes thinking of things I should have never thought to begin with.
Today though, I'm genuinely worried. I just can't stand to watch someone I love slip between my fingers. I wish I could do something, and that my opinion mattered, but I'm afraid my opinions have run short. That's what I get for wasting my words, not stopping while I'm ahead.
I keep losing parts of him, slowly watching him pull himself away from me, and everyone around him. As much as I want to be with him, what's much more important to me is that he's happy. We all deserve that, and we all deserve a second chance.
I know I've said it before, but in times like these, under such circumstances in my life, it's just really breaking my heart.

I wish there was something I could do.

January 10/10 - 9:49 p.m.

"I want to be friends, but not forever."

January 07/10 - 7:55 p.m.

Captain With A Lack Of Passion, Alive Without His Ship
by Lauren White

A steady hand embraced with heat,
scotched with the fire of burning passion.
A tear strung along your eye,
a harsh bite to swollen lips.
You just can't learn from love,
just can't reason with the broken hearted.

Float above deep waters,
can't find it in you to drown yourself.
Your eyes wide with anticipation,
reality destined to bind with fate.

Movie scenes, heavy souled dreams.
Could never grab hold of self mercy,
could never find anything to reach for.
Just another dusty poem,
about faded memories and passive glances.

Given up on most things,
current emotion at a consistent lack.
Could care less, but just can't contain truth.
You could never keep the truth.
Just couldn't bare to let it eat you up,
couldn't wait for the rain.
You never could wait for the weather.

At least now you know a few things,
like never to walk the opposite side of the street.
Never walk back to danger,
because you'd rather hurt than get lost in a new future.

In the midst of it all,
with the friction of hips,
your shaking palms, eyes closed,
you learned a crucial lesson.
You must destroy yourself,
in order to better yourself.

In the end of all of this,
not much changes but the time.
Can't spend time waiting for the weather.
So please draw your hand back from passion,
and place it in his hands.
I'm not certain, but I do believe you owe him this much.
You're never alone now.

January 05/10 - 4:21 p.m.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm finally happy.

I've finally realised from all of this I will grow. I have a future to look forward to.

No one can rewrite the past, and everyone has to live with the life we're given. You only live once.

I'm different now, but I'm better off. I'm stronger.

I'm just so glad I figured this out, before I wasted another minute. I've had enough of wasted time.

As much as I'm going to miss him, as much as it hurts to move on, I don't have a choice.

It's better this way, we're better off this way.

The future's just much to bright for me to wait around. My life is much to short for me to put myself down. I refused to blame myself, I'm tired of hurting myself.

I'm beautiful, and I'm worth it.
I know I am. Just might take a while for me to fully embrace it.

January 03/10 - 7:47 p.m.

We're both little people,
with those crazy huge dreams.
We're both just trying to make it,
try not to break it.
Maybe for once something will work out,
for a second, maybe we could breath again.
Maybe.

I suppose I'm fighting this until the end,
waiting for that day we can sit back together,
and know it's over.
Finally.

People say if it was meant to be, it wouldn't be this hard.
But they don't know us.
And all i know is it isn't worth it, if you don't have to fight for it.
Maybe that's just me.

We both know what it's like to be alone,
but I swear, as long as you make this last,
you'll always have my hand to hold.