December 29/09 - 3:36 p.m.

I wish I knew what to say. I've been staring blankly at the computer screen in search of the words to explain how I'm feeling. I can't find them, the words just don't exist. I guess I'm just.. confused. I feel mixed up, out of touch, or something like that. It's like I'm trying to feel something, but there's nothing there to feel.

I suppose it's because of last night. In fact, I'm sure it probably is. I realised that I'm really forcing this. I'm forcing myself to move on when I'm really not ready to. Thing is, I might have to. So where does that leave me? How am I supposed to force myself to move on, only because I have to, when I really don't want to? There's only a few days left of December, soon a brand new year will unfold before me, and I'll be forced to live with it. Besides, this very well could be my last year.

I think I'm maybe scared, more than anything. I've been begging for this month to end, but I think I'd rather it stay for a while. Right now, I'm almost happy. I've lost nothing, yet. I don't know if I'm ready to walk out of this in between. I just don't think I'm ready to start living again. I would rather sit in his living room for a little while longer, would rather be sure of at least one thing for a few weeks more.

I'm not sure of much, but I am sure that I'm just not ready.

Then again, when am I ever?

December 25/09 - 11:33 p.m.

I guess I'm more than crazy.
A little less than dead.
I guess I've over estimated easy.
My colours fading red.

I guess you're just as lost as I.
Drifting through dark rooms.
I guess you're never one to lie.
You just avoid the truth that looms.

I guess I've been a little selfish.
Shouldn't assume the best for you.
Can't keep counting on a wish,
though I'm sure you'd use one too.

I guess a lot of things are different now.
Nothing ever stays the same.
I guess all's to ask is "How?"
Can't keep playing this same game.

I guess I should have left a month ago.
Should have released my solid grip.
I guess my conscious told me so.
My heart escaped an echoed rip.

I guess I've done enough of guessing.
Enough of wondering what we'll be.
I guess I'm tired of all the stressing.
Would rather spend time, you and me.

Because I guess though things are different,
always turning with great stride...
I know the things you say, you meant.
I know for this price, it's worth the ride.

December 24/09 - 11:23 p.m.

I woke up today and made a eyeopening realisation:
Everyone really isn't so different. All of us are all looking for someone to realise who we really are. All of us are never good enough, but still we live on... why? Because our days are numbered.


I'm beginning to think maybe I've already wasted to much time.
Is it time to give up on past romance once and for all? I'll figure that one out at a better time.

It's Christmas,
enjoy the show.
I already want my money back.

December 23/09 - 7:18 p.m.

My entire life, I've celebrated Christmas. The anticipation boiling in my stomach as it twisted into anxious knots of excitement. This year, just the thought of smiling makes me nauseous. I could blame it on my age, one to many days past fifteen. I could blame it on the pathetic snow, whisking the ground with slush. Grey mixed with the green of grass, the only thing left to remind me of better days. Summer days.

Lately, my heads been spinning. My mind has been working out of control in order to keep up with the irregular beat my heart's been acquiring, working so desperately to fill the hole. That piece that had been ripped out of me, slowly infecting itself, eating away at itself. I suppose I should have moved on when I still had the chance, but that chance has come and gone. I couldn't leave him if i wanted to now.

It took just one kiss, one "I miss you too", and a simple caress. Took just one moonlight dance in the warmth of the fireplace, in the light of a Christmas tree. It took just one gaze into those lusty eyes, and just one flicker of an old flame, to kick me while I was already down. Seems pointless to get up from this cold stone floor, when I spent three months standing up, and it only took two weeks to shove me back down.

Laying under the covers, in the comforts of the bed we once shared, I can't help but assume he's mine. I can taste it, I can feel it. He's right in front of me, we're together again. The exchanging of breath and the friction of skin. It seems what's going to kill me though, is where his heart lies. All I can do is find him a reason to keep him with me, but the sad truth is I can't. The only reason I have is love. I fear that's far from enough for him. I'm not her, I'm never going to be more than this. I'm beginning to accept I'm always going to be lesser than someone else, I'm always going to be second best to someone else.

I just hope when he looks through his long lashes, and looks at my hopeful face, he sees someone beautiful. I hope through his eyes, he can look at me and smile. Look past the bad days, and find hope in future days. I hope he wakes up and thinks of me, smiles at the thought of me. I hope in his heart, he feels he needs more of me. Can't live without me. I can only hope.

I suppose this Christmas, isn't about cheer, and isn't about family. It's about waiting. I'm going to spend the rest of this year waiting on the year to come, going into a dark room not knowing what's to appear as a result. When I close my eyes, I see me and him together again, him kissing my forehead as I go into the surgery I might never awake from. I need him now more than ever.

It's not fair to tie him to me because I'm dying, but I suppose if he does love me, if he does care for me, then it'll be enough to date me, and be there for me. As much as I value friendship, it breaks my heart to think we might not ever be more.

I love you, and I'm so sorry.

December 22/09 - 9:49 p.m.

A faded rose,
our secret place,
no body knows.
A change of pace,
her in your bed.
I'm not her,
her cheeks burning red.

I could try my whole life,
to be someone i'm not
Take this sleek knife,
Become anew, the old me to rott.
She'll take you in,
she'll warm it up,
She'll take you for the win.

Maybe I'm not enough,
can't give what she's been giving.
Maybe it's just to tough,
to many fights to be living.
Couldn't blame you for wanting more,
wanting her.
My heart forever, pour.

One December kiss,
Closed eyes, embrace.
The feeling I'll miss,
friction and lace.
I've realised I'm never more than myself,
always less than someone else,
always a dusty picture upon your broken shelf.

I'll wait through wasted time,
take every moment you give to me.
Turn every heartbeat to effortless rhyme,
and pray I wont be alone, we.
I suppose realisations are yet to come,
and your the fire, will only burn brighter,
because for now, you're the only one.

December 22/09 - 1:09 p.m.

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,

and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey.

I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell.

I'm ready now, I'm ready now,

I'm ready now to fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream"

December 19/09 - 9:24 p.m.

They keep playing sad songs on the radio
And I feel like I'm so alone
On this 15 hour drive
And all the while I tell my self to just believe
Cause nobody can give so much
And never get anything

Everyone I used to know
says they don't know what i've become
But I'm still the same
not much has changed
I still know where I came from

I fell asleep with the lights on
I can see your the first one in a long time.
That had some faith in me


A Day To Remember - Another Song About The Weekend

December 17/09 - 11:04 p.m.

I just found out one of the most important boys in my life,
who's been a brother to me for a while now,
and is the most incredible singer i've ever heard in my entire life,
that used to sing with me every day, fourth period,
and used to star gaze with me, and sing me my favourite song,
probably has throat cancer,
and may never sing again.
No..

December 16/09 - 7:16 p.m.

Dearest Lauren;

You are the most beautiful person, I've probably ever mett. No matter what you've been there for me when I need you. You listen to me, even when I have nothing to say. And you make me laugh, when I thought maybe I'd never smile again.

I don't think you realise how many lives you've touched, and how much you've changed mine. I'd have nothing to smile about at all my whole life if you wern't in it. My best days, are the day's I've spent with you. It seems like no one ever gives you the time of day to show them how great you are. The great advice you give, the loyalty you posess. You're so passionate, and honest. Never keeping the truth far from reach, living up front and in the moment. I never understand when friends betray you, or boys leave you. I'm just glad you found a guy you can care for, and love... because I know how hard that is for you. You have no idea how content it makes me feel that you could look me in the eye and swear to me, "He's perfect, in his own way. I could never ask for more." He seems great, and he brings out the better in you, and that's what you deserve. You deserve to finally be happy, instead of spending your time making other people happy.

I know maybe it won't make any sense to you why I needed to do this. But I did need to do this. It has nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself. I swear, you're the reason I made it even this far... but I've known this was coming for a long time now.

Just let me leave you with this: Never give up on the people you love, and always have faith in yourself. You of all people, should be looking strait ahead with your head held high, because I'm sure Shian, Lauren, and especially Dan, can see that you're just a beautiful person, inside and out. If you're boy's smart, he'll know that he's never going to find another girl like you in a million years.

Take care, and good luck in the years to come. I'll see you again, someday.

Love,
K.B.

December 15/09 - 5:46 p.m.

Gone.

December 12/09 - 1:31 p.m.

"It's a mad world."

December 08/09 - 7:19 p.m.

It's funny house easy it is, to fall in and out.

In and out of love, in and out of life.

It's funny how easy it is, to lose yourself.

Forget yourself, make a mess of yourself.

It's funny how torn I've become, over you.

Thinking of you, waiting for you.



You're the only one who's ever known me, or tried to.

The only one I'm myself with, happy with.

So where are you? Why can't you find me?

Why can't you find that love inside of you?

I pray you'll feel it, I pray you'll see it.

Boy, it's right in front of you.

Flashing lights and massive signs, pay attention!

Take the time to stop looking so far ahead,

and live for this. Live for now. Live for today.



I'm yours to keep, yours for the taking.

I just can't lose a smile like yours, not yet.

I found who I am without you, it's just not good enough.

Let me find who I am within the fire burning bright in your eyes.

Let me feel who I am through the purity of your soul.

Let me be. Let us be together, again.

December 06/09 - 11:57 p.m.

Honestly I Tell You

I've done a lot of waiting, love
for your sweet return.
A candle in my darkest room,
a strand a hope, of happiness.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson,
while I was crying on the phone.
But no matter how hard I shook the thought,
it never left me. You never left me.

Days deseased, graves of months despite my efforts.
I lost you, I lost it all.
A single tear, heavy with regret.
I should have listened. I never listen.

Just when it was gone, and I heaved one last sigh,
my heavy eyes forced just one last look ahead.
There you were. You were there.
Finally.

A chance from around a corner,
hitting my life with all it's force.
All the love I forced beneath me suddenly surfaced, no holding back.
You're here now. I feel you now.

A slowdance in that shallow hall,
laughter from behind my teeth.
A twinkle in your eyes as you swore to me.
I miss you too.

A caress, lead to bliss.
Bliss lead to romance.
I took in the rythm of your heartbeat,
I strive to hear again.
I've missed it, I've missed you.

The past is past, but in my future I want you.
I should have learned my lesson months ago,
but some people never learn.
Though just the same, some people never love,
and that I refuse.

I found you, I lost you.
I waited for you, I called out for you.
You came to me, you've tried for me.
I'll try for you, it's all for you.

So here I'll live, within your eyes.
In the moments that we'll share.
So here I am, a lonely girl,
hoping you'll take her back again.

I refuse to fall, but I'll walk with you,
hand in hand.
Praying for the best,
with not a locked door in sight.