My entire life, I've celebrated Christmas. The anticipation boiling in my stomach as it twisted into anxious knots of excitement. This year, just the thought of smiling makes me nauseous. I could blame it on my age, one to many days past fifteen. I could blame it on the pathetic snow, whisking the ground with slush. Grey mixed with the green of grass, the only thing left to remind me of better days. Summer days.
Lately, my heads been spinning. My mind has been working out of control in order to keep up with the irregular beat my heart's been acquiring, working so desperately to fill the hole. That piece that had been ripped out of me, slowly infecting itself, eating away at itself. I suppose I should have moved on when I still had the chance, but that chance has come and gone. I couldn't leave him if i wanted to now.
It took just one kiss, one "I miss you too", and a simple caress. Took just one moonlight dance in the warmth of the fireplace, in the light of a Christmas tree. It took just one gaze into those lusty eyes, and just one flicker of an old flame, to kick me while I was already down. Seems pointless to get up from this cold stone floor, when I spent three months standing up, and it only took two weeks to shove me back down.
Laying under the covers, in the comforts of the bed we once shared, I can't help but assume he's mine. I can taste it, I can feel it. He's right in front of me, we're together again. The exchanging of breath and the friction of skin. It seems what's going to kill me though, is where his heart lies. All I can do is find him a reason to keep him with me, but the sad truth is I can't. The only reason I have is love. I fear that's far from enough for him. I'm not her, I'm never going to be more than this. I'm beginning to accept I'm always going to be lesser than someone else, I'm always going to be second best to someone else.
I just hope when he looks through his long lashes, and looks at my hopeful face, he sees someone beautiful. I hope through his eyes, he can look at me and smile. Look past the bad days, and find hope in future days. I hope he wakes up and thinks of me, smiles at the thought of me. I hope in his heart, he feels he needs more of me. Can't live without me. I can only hope.
I suppose this Christmas, isn't about cheer, and isn't about family. It's about waiting. I'm going to spend the rest of this year waiting on the year to come, going into a dark room not knowing what's to appear as a result. When I close my eyes, I see me and him together again, him kissing my forehead as I go into the surgery I might never awake from. I need him now more than ever.
It's not fair to tie him to me because I'm dying, but I suppose if he does love me, if he does care for me, then it'll be enough to date me, and be there for me. As much as I value friendship, it breaks my heart to think we might not ever be more.
I love you, and I'm so sorry.
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