November 26/09 - 10:40 p.m.

Things can get so complicated. Life unfair, and love uninviting. Ive come across consequences with moving on, and complications holding me back.

Some days, I wish I was as pure as the sunset, and as gorgeous as the sunrise. Sometimes I wish, I was desirable, something needed. Someone wanted. Sometimes I wish, I was irreplaceable, unstoppable, something just that much more incredible.

I guess that's why I look at you, and see those honest eyes. Listen to your laughter and feel whole again. Complete again. Worth a second chance, worth another day. Worth another laugh, another word, another breath. Worth while.

You make life worth while.

I look to my past and ask myself once more, why I ever let it come to this. Why I sat and waited, crying and broken, for a man that would never come. Didn't want to, had better things to do. Why did I shut you out, along with the rest of the world, when all I needed all along was to see that smile of yours again. Feel that affection, feel that lust. I feel it, and I feel invincible.

It's been five days now, not even a week. Though it seems you pulled me out of the grave I've been digging for months. I was rock bottom, desperate to escape, and it took you just five days.

One, two, three, four, five.

It took six months to find the love I lost, and just a handful of days to get passed it.
How? We could never be sure. We won't be sure. How could we be sure?

All I'm sure of is forcing myself back to life, and getting over what once dominated my entire life, was the best choice I ever made.

I'm not leaving this time, I couldn't if I tried.

November 24/09 - 11:25 p.m.

It's been a long time since I've confessed this. Written these words down.

Boy likes girl, easier than I remember.

Seems like yesterday the snow was crunching beneath our feet, butterflies in our stomachs and romance on our minds.

For so long I've been fighting a lost cause, forcing a crushed dream. Dreaming of an end to it. Praying, for an end.

The end came, it's here, but has arrived in new attire. A new look, a new feel.

An old flame burning happiness back into my soul, and reminding me how it was, and could be.

Simple. Simplicity in a beautiful design, like the snowflakes from last winter, when it was you and I.

This whole time I was waiting for the summer air to come back. Was waiting to bring the light back into your eyes, and bring a lost love back to me.

Seems, it was long gone. It has been gone. And on that sad day, this fact sunk in, you were there. You always were, but I could never see it before.

Blinded by the past, and the fights breaking my back. Working so hard, when all I had to do was pull my eyes up off the ground, and look up.

"Hello Boy, I missed you."

I guess it's days like these, we remember what we missed.

I guess it's days like this, when I realise all along I had a second chance, not with him but with you. You forgave me, and cared for me, and I could never ask for more.

Time to say goodbye to what happened, and good morning to the snow.

I'm happy. How could I ever thank you?

November 18/08 - 9:08 p.m.

We're Pirates
Written by: Lauren White (Me)

We set sail,
out to twilight.
Out at sea,
at ease through the night.

Peaceful skies, your soothing lullabies.
No storm any challenge.
"It'll calm, it always does."
This adventure so easy, always was.

You looked into my eyes,
you smiled, those butterflies arise.
My hand in yours,
no walls, just doors.
The future, endless.

A dark cloud overhead,
a warning.
I prayed for its passing alone in your bed.
I wanted to believe, thought I knew better.

Lightning struck,
my heart held high and exposed.
It burnt out my light,
your door slammed to a close.
Knock knock, bang.
Let me in, again.
You were gone.

My toes hanging off the plank,
deep waves of regret below.
I jumped, and sank,
my world, slow.

You passed me a lifeline,
friendship off the deck.
The support bobbing in the water,
but dearest, I was a wreck.

I kicked and screamed, threatened and accused.
Yet you still clung to the rope, desperate to save.
But I fought the water, I refused.
You became impatient, but still i was brave.

I've been here for quite a while,
astray in the ice cold.
We've floated a long mile,
the safety in front, but still no hold.
My legs are growing tired,
aboard your ship your arms grown weak.
When I looked up to your eyes,
I had not one word left to speak.

We set sail,
so long ago, upon a gorgeous ship.
Now your love lost among the sea,
it's no longer you and me.
Your will power, at a lack.
I may not ever have you back.


So I'll break down,
and grab your friendship.
You pull me up so I don't drown.
A slight quiver in my lip,
as my feet hit solid ground.
A shrug escaped your shoulders,
the dream lost, the fantasy dead.
You grabbed the wheel, and dropped me off,
back onto the reality, I would dread.

With a halfhearted wave,
was that solemn goodbye.
You did try to save,
still I asked, why?
You said we're on an adventure, still,
upon our lovely ship.
But the currents will take you where they will,
and what comes your way, you'll grip.

Maybe someday,
when the purples light your sky,
you'll look out to shore,
and ask a modest, "Why?"
For now I sit within this lighthouse,
breaking my back to produce some light.
Pave the way for your happiness,
so that maybe you'll come back,
just might.

November 17/09 - 10:45 p.m.

The stories kind of tragic, kind of sad. I'm kind of heart broken, kind of desperate. I'm trying so hard to not plan out how I think things should be, it's impossible. How am I supposed to just sit back and watch him slowly feed his love to someone else? How? Do you know what I'm supposed to do? I sure don't.

So I'm done here. Every word I've said, all I could ever say. There's nothing more to say. So let's hope the current brings you back to me, so I can feel you again. Feel your body again, your love again. I hope, you do come back.



I can't take much more rejection.



I love you, dearest.

November 08/09 - 12:47 p.m.

I've wanted to tell him how great he is, and all the thing I love about him, for a long time now. Every time I try though, he puts himself down, or tells me he's "Just One Guy". Well, he can't stop me from saying it on here, so I'm going to take the time to tell whoever is reading, just how amazing of a person this boy really is.

DMJ

1. Every time he's concentrating, and sitting down at the same time, he makes this adorable squeaking noise. I would always ask what it was, i guess its his "I'm Sitting Down" noise. <3

2. He has a bunny. It's name is Bowie. I nicknamed it Jerry Spring, he thinks Dennis Hopper's much better, he won't admit he's wrong. <3

3. Whenever I'm upset, he always asks what's wrong. Even if he can't stand to look at me at the time, even if we're broken up and I've been fighting with him all day long. If I'm crying, he's there. <3

4. He makes the best Kraft dinner, you will EVER taste. Not even joking. <3

5. His music really is kind of amazing, but that's only because it's the same as mine, aha <3

6. This one time, he flashed me a smile in his basement in the dim of his lights. I've only seen that look on his face once in the whole time I've known him. It was the most beautiful smile, I'd ever seen. Every time I think of him, it's that I remember. <3

7. He can make me laugh even when I'm having the worst day of my life. He knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. <3

8. He used to give me a song to listen to while he was gone for a weekend in case I missed him. I had made a play list with all those songs, and the whole time we were together I'd fall asleep to them playing. <3

9. His singing voice might be slightly out of tune, but it's the most soothing sound I've ever heard. One of my favourite memories of him is when I was upset, and he came over, took me in his arms and sang to me until I felt better. He made me smile, again <3

10. This one time, I was afraid our entire relationship was based on just one thing. He looked me in the eyes, and instead of telling me, he dipped me backwards in a movie like kiss, and I just knew. <3

11. Almost every song he loves has crowds cheering in it. I don't know why i noticed it, but I love it. <3

12. He's really good at video games, and instead of teaching me how to do it, he full out just beats me every time. I wouldn't want it any other way. <3

13. I can always tell from his eyes how he's feeling. I miss the way he used to look at me... <3

14. He doesn't judge people. He accepts people for who they are, and doesn't dislike anyone unless they give him a good reason. And even then, he's incredibly forgiving. <3

15. His laugh takes my breath away. <3

16. He loves pirates, and has a pirate flag hanging on the wall of his room. I love pirates too. <3

17. He's an incredible writer. That's actually the original reason i wanted to know him. Something about how he can't get the words out unless they're written poetry... is just so beautiful to me. <3

18. We always fight, but I'm not sure why we bother. Both of us know we'll get over it, we'll get through it. If i could date him again I'd be sure to keep fighting to a close minimum. <3

19. He has a pond in his backyard. He once told me the fish dead on the filter, reminded him of me. That day still makes me smile. <3

20. When deciding on a movie to watch, we would always argue because he would insist I pick the movie I wanted. I didn't care what we watched, I was just happy I was watching it with him. <3

21. His sweaters are so soft, and his smell is intoxicating. Weird, but it has a huge effect on me. <3

22. His heartbeat makes me feel alive. Always. <3

23. He's passionate about everything he does. He's involved in his community and cares a lot about his positive image. I've never seen him in any sort of negative light. <3

24. He tells me how gorgeous, smart, and funny I am. But i know that he doesn't see it in himself. I strive every day to show this boy just how incredible he is. No, he's not perfect. But his flaws add to his overall beauty. He's absolutely stunning. <3

25. Every time he tells me to move on, it reminds me what of what I'm fighting for. I'm fighting for all of this. Everything we had, everything we'll ever be, and everything I hope we'll be. I know I've made so many mistakes, but if I ever get a chance to see that gaze in his eyes again, I'll be sure to take advantage of every moment. This time away from him, didn't ruin anything for me. If anything, it's really emphasized just how great he is, just how much i love him, and just how much I love who I am when I'm with him.

<3

I just want to be what he deserves.

November 05/09 - 10:57 p.m.

Untitled, Entitled.

Things change as often as the weather.
People move on, though I move slower than the seasons.
I often think of what it was like; I can feel it even now.
The feel of you, your heart beat, thud-thud.

It's sad it ended, I'm sure you'd agree.
Funny how you say you care, but not enough to try.
Sorry, I'm out of line again.
What I feel never seems to please you, ever.

What if I kissed you, confessed to you.
Would you fight it? Would you smile?
What if we tried, just for a night?
What would happen? Where would this adventure lead?
Who knows? We wouldn't know.

Now I'm trapped in the ultimate cliff-hanger,
afraid of heights, and unable to let go.
You’re stepping on the loose ends of silk, keep walking away.
Just watch how fast I'll unravel.

I'm no mind reader, I'm no mind controller.
I can't sway you, I've tried.
I can't understand you anymore, many have tried.
But I suppose I know why I can't bare to be mad at you.
Simply because you're part of me, you are me.
Harm to you, self inflicted.

I'm delicate, sensitive. I'm weak.
You keep tearing me down, it gets harder to come back to you.
Carrying the knife in my palm, but the blade keeps cutting deeper.
I won't give up on you, but I have to stray from what hurts me.
I love you, but I have to put behind me what breaks me down.

Spending my life, wishing my life involved you, is barely a life at all.
In fact, it's pathetic. Sorry to say.
Maybe when the sun gets a little hotter, the moon gets a little brighter,
the chemistry will realign. Maybe.
I might still take you back, could you blame me?

What we had was beautiful, admit it.
Stop kicking it down, and let me raise it up.
Remember it for all of its glory, and shine light on the memories.
It's not a lost cause; you're not a lost cause.
It's just a different cause.
The cause of this, made us grow.
I've grown, thank you.

I miss you, do you miss me too?

November 05/09 - 5:32 p.m.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

World, stop spinning.

November 04/09 - 6:06 p.m.

Twenty-Five Things About Myself

1. I over think and over analyse pretty much everything. My trains of thought run on colliding tracks, constantly causing myself devastation.

2. Lyrics in songs mean more to me than people realise. I actually search my entire play list in search for a song that talks about how I'm feeling, and will then listen to it on repeat until the feeling passes.



3. My five favourite bands are Brand New, The Hush Sound, The Spill Canvas, The Rocket Summer and A Day to Remember.



4. I'm passionate about the people I love. We have been apart for two months now, and haven't let up once. He sees it as a bad thing, I hope he eventually sees it in a brighter light.



5. I have a habit of seeing the beauty in people, even if I don't acknowledge it.



6. Saturday's are my favourite day of the week.



7. My dream is to go to Paris with someone I love, and share a kiss on the Eiffel Tower. I've had the same dream since I was a little girl.



8. I have low self esteem, and I'm really sensitive to what people say to me. I'm even more sensitive to what people say behind my back. If you do, I've heard about it, trust me.



9. I only breakdown when I'm alone. I've only cut loose all the sadness and hurt I carry in front of someone else once. That boy, is the reason I'm still alive.



10. My defense mechanism = humour.



11. I do musicals.



12. I'm a legit bookworm. I love to read, but I've been so busy lately its hard to get a few chapters in. Between everything I'm involved in and trying to catch sleep, I haven't been able to lose myself between the pages of the new books I bought back in summer.



13. I always blame myself, and I'm always first to apologize unless they beat me to it.



14. I can't seem to hold on to best friends. As soon as I become close with them, something happens and I lose them. I currently have two best friends. One's been there for me since I was in senior kindergarten, the other grasps my heart so tightly it seems almost impossible. I'm not sure of what I'd do without him. My other best friend, from birth, died recently from suicide. Rest in peace girl, I miss you.



15. I would never want to read minds. I can't deal with my own thoughts, let alone other peoples.



16. When I'm not interested in something, I'll procrastinate and sometimes not bother all together. If I care, I'll put everything I have into it, and won't stop until I'm fulfilled.



17. I hate Halloween, and I'm obsessed with Christmas.



18. I draw when I'm bored in class, but I fail. Miserably.



19. I'm addicted to the computer. Not joking.



20. I strongly believe love is much more powerful then hate, simply because it takes love to truly hate. Try and fight that? I'll prove you wrong.



21. I've never been on a plane.



22. I'm one of the only girls on the planet that doesn't enjoy shopping. I'd rather catch a movie.



23. I can type as fast as I think.



24. I fail at video games, not even joking. I'm probably the only person you'll race in Mario Kart that you can lap.. more than once.



25. I don't expect people to read my blog, but when someone does, it litterally makes my week.

November 03/09 - 4:26 p.m.

It's funny how time works. How it fasts and slows against us, making life harder then it should be. One minute, gone to soon. The next, the longest sixty seconds of your life. These past months have gone by so fast it seems only a dream I was locked inside of my room, crying and thrashing with emotional pain just around six weeks ago. Funny how it feels like only yesterday I was over at Dan's house kissing him in his doorway.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

There's only four more weeks until my performance, only a few more than that until New Years. I've been trying not to think about my deal about that. Is it to late to take that back? It seems so close, I don't want to give up so easily.

So many things, seem so close but much to far these days, him included. I can almost reach him now, but I cant grab hold. The cruelest of frustration. I'm being patient, I'm not planning. I'm trying to float along, let things come as they will and fall as they please. I'm aloud to hope it all falls in my favour though, right? No harm in a shooting star, I'm sure.

Tomorrow's to far, and next months to close. Time's working its magic against me, against my will. I can't stop it, so I'm doing all I can do. I just have to keep moving.