October 26/09 - 12:16 a.m.

Dearest, Happiness.

Do you want to know a secret?
A vicious secret, that rattles off my ribcage
and beats to the rhythm of your being?
Races to the crash of your syllables,
running together into a perfect word?
It's love. I love you too.

How foolish, am I?
I beg of you, scold me.
The shadow that's crept across my eyesight blinds me.
I'm blinded.
I suppose, I'd rather not see who I've become.
I'm changing more often than the weather,
and your shifting like the waves of my imagination.

Things are getting rough, where's the bright side?
The amazement in your eyes dimmed with the sound of your voice.
You're tired, aren't you?
I don't blame you, i swear.
Don't you believe me?
It figures I'd put this to waste. We waste everything.
I should have embraced it while it existed, not asked questions.
I always question. I question myself.
Why is it always about me?

This is about you, my love.
About how beautiful you are. How gorgeous our love is, was.
You amaze me.
Your smile, oh please God, bring that smile back to me.
This world is so big, but with you I feel twice as tall.
I found happiness, so why would I let it go?
Why do I do this to myself?

Take me back into your arms.
Just fall for me, damn it, just fall.
Tie your hands behind your back and let me catch you.
I can't stand up, but from here I can soften your modest landing.
It's selfish to say, but I need you.
You're so perfect, perfection at it's finest.
You're my personal peace of mine bound by warm flesh.

Take my heart. You can abuse it, just take it.
Shove it in your pocket, string me along.
I've made some bad decisions, but I've decided on you.
I'm not turning back, not again, not ever.

I'm just floating through life, trying to find an answer.
Just one answer, to one of my questions.
But how cruel a game.
A lifetime and not one strand of knowing.
I don't know anything at all, but what my heart tells me.
What you've shown me.
I see you, and that's as real as this could ever get.
You make me happy.
I feel happy.
Together, happiness.

October 22/09 - 11:44 p.m.

I'm so messed up. My world is falling apart at the seams. I can try and patch it all I want, but its unraveling faster than ever. I could never possibly catch up. He could only stop this breakdown I've been hiding, but he won't. I could never ask him to anyways. It's not his fault, not his business. He's free now, he doesn't have to stick around and take care of poor old me. My stories over told, and over-rated. I'm not the only one. I need to just get over it.

I'd say more, but there's not much more to say. I'm almost at my breaking point, and I've never been so scared.

October 21/09 - 7:16 p.m.

Cross my heart, and hope to die, I'll try as hard as I can to please you. I've been trying so hard, do you see it? I'm different now. I've changed now, baby. I'm just so glad we went the way we did, so glad you hurt me so bad. Why? Because now we're here, today. Friends, and a mysterious future. I can barely see my hand in front of my face, never mind where we're headed tomorrow.

We make lots of mistakes, and we seem to never get anything right, but that's different now. Things are just getting better. We're friends forever, and lovers in disguise. Don't hide it boy, don't you feel it? Open up your heart and let me hold it to mine. Grab the key and unlock my love. Let it shower you in glory, and cushion your insecurities. I'm here for you. Always was, still am, always will be.

You're beautiful, inside and out. You're smart, and you're talented. Funny and crazy. Boy, you drive me crazy. I love it. I love you. I don't want a second chance. I want something new all together, it can happen. Can't it?

So look around! Wake up! Stop sleeping! This is the healthiest we've ever been, and this is the most promise we've ever withheld.

Now this is something to write about.

Thank the heavens.

October 20/09 - 3:51 p.m.

I've been having such a weird time. Not really a hard time, just weird. I'm no longer sad, angry, frustrated, or really anything at all. I feel empty. I don't feel anymore. The only thing I've felt all day today was my throbbing rib cage due to a torn muscle. Other than that, nothing. I suppose, he took more from me than I realised. When I'm with him, I live. I feel things, good and bad. I felt alive, for once. Now it's gone and I'm left feeling... well nothing.

I need a bit of momentum. I need something to bring me off the ground, and raise me back up to my potential. I'm tired of touching, I need to feel. Colours seem much to dull, and emotions seem hazed. It's only when he looks at me that my heart leaps out of my chest, my pulse racing, my body given a sudden jump start to reality. The haze turns to a piercing realisation and a blush creeps across my cheeks. Adrenalin. I love it. Those lips, I'd kiss them if I could. I can't though, I'll hold back. There's no other options.

-Sigh-

Things just aren't the same.

Shame.

October 19/09 - 10:57 p.m.

Friendship. I forgot about it. What a funny thing it is, truly. I lost touch of what it meant to me. All I've ever considered these days, is my relationship. That's stupid. I only had one relationship, but I was neglecting my friendships. Then again, I can't give away my friendship to anyone, anymore. I'm starting to discover trust issues within myself I'd never before possessed. Could you blame me? How am I supposed to trust anyone other than him? He is, after all, the only one who knows me inside an out, reads me like a book, and yet he still keeps his mouth shut. Where else do I find that? Well, in Lauren, but it seems she's distanced to me these days. So only he's at hand. Ironic. I try to back away from him, and I end up turning back with different intentions. Intentions of friendship.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm giving into friendship. I'm guilty, but I'm loving it. It's much easier being on his side than being against him. Against hurts to much. He's practically apart of me, upsetting him is equivalent to angering myself. Why does that make any sense? Seems I only did it before to turn him onto the idea of dating me. Man, I'm an idiot.

This reminds me, I've recently got in touch with myself and realised I don't want to date anyone. Yeah, you heard me. I would still love my next boyfriend, to be the same as my last, but lets not push that. I just want to float along the inevitable. Stop trying to change things before they even begin and let it all run its course. It's the only way. I'm not the only one who has no idea what's in store for all of us. I just hope it's good.

It must be. It simply has to be... right?

October 18/09 - 11:07 p.m.

I probably could have been mad at you all day today. I probably could have held the grudge I've been carrying with me, and continue on yelling as I did this morning. I really could have. Maybe I should have? I didn't though. I couldn't, though. Lucky you.

I guess there's some advantages of having a best friend for an ex boyfriend. Sure, it hurts a million times more to be rejected, but it's easier. Kind of. In a sense. Now wounds will be glossed over with a fresh friendship. We can grow and learn from all of this, and still be in the comforts of each others company. Sounds fun. Sounds complicated, but I'm strong enough.

Hey, who knows whats in store for our future? We really don't have a clue, that's certain. Things happen, things change. Circumstances alter and feelings come in heavy waves. For now though, I'm just happy I have you. You're amazing. You hurt me, but you're a keeper. Ironic.

I'm just happy I have you. I'm just glad you're eyes still fill with love when you look at me, regardless of how you use that love. Just as long as I have it, I'll get through.

After all, you've kept me alive this long. I owe you this much. Now its my turn, to not back down on you.

October 16/09 - 7:45 p.m.

Thank you. Thank you for putting me through this. I'm glad, we're not back together. You and I both know that we can't go from this, to how we were. Any chance for us, will come with much time. MUCH, time. Dating at this point, would just be a mockery of what we have. We won't feel the same, no. We need to build from the ground up.

When we first started seeing each other, we started at relationship. We were never anything less. We started right into the common relationships people find themselves in every day. When we officially started dating, we subconsciously felt we had to raise the bar, and the next level up was a serious relationship. We kept building up, one step back and five steps forward. Until we found we were so far above ground. I looked down, and freaked out. Backed down. Mistake. I came falling to the ground waiting for you to reach out your arms to catch me. But you didn't. Yes, I fell. I fell head first into the ground. Looking up, I felt I could never build it up. I could never climb that high again, in fear of falling.

But that's the way of life. It's how love works.

We build ourselves up with the risk of falling.

I'm a risk taker. I wont wait for him, but I'll embrace the ones i love, and live life in that fashion.

The way I should have from the start.

October 15/09 - 5:17 p.m.

My heart jumped out of my chest. His hand, simply rested on my knee. My heart; thump-thump. I had brushed it off uncertainly. Though the feel of it, the warmth of his tender touch stayed tattooed to my skin. I became so aware of it, and of him. He's even more beautiful these days, he must be. Or maybe it seems that way simply because I've been waiting so long for that very moment. I've been waiting so long for him to smile at me. It blinded me, and I returned it with my own. First time I've flashed a genuine smile in weeks.

I know that I can't be sure of much. I know, the odds can turn with just a small wind of fate. I know it. It just seems so right for us to be together. It baffles me. We've been through hell and back and still he makes me nervous, and still i feel the spark. It jolts through my body, forcing me to life.

He really is something. You'd have to see him through my eyes, to truly see it for yourself. Only then will you see him like I do. Every inch of his skin a perfect harmony of love. His feelings shining through his eyes, his soul exposed as he saw right into me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, happiness.
I'm so happy.

I'm closer to being with the boy I love, with every passing day. Tomorrow? I'll be just that much closer. I can't even imagine how amazing my life will be, when things fall back into perfect pace. Perfection, all of it.

I can see the light.

October 12/09 - 7:05 p.m.

You tell me so many things, and I believe them. You keep things away from me, and I over look them. It bothers me, but I suppose I'd rather be in the dark than be exposed to the harsh lighting.

I used to be so sure you meant it, when you said you'd never hurt me. If that were true though, why have I been hurting every day? And why do you push me away and suggest I move on? Yet you keep me sticking around? Why do i feel like a fall back plan, while you explore better possibilities? Oh, don't get me wrong, I've considered other possibilities. Anything to distract me from the neglect. I can't though. It's much harder a task then originally expected.

I'm starting to think I'm not the one who isn't living in reality here. It seems to me, he's lost sight of this situation. I'm not a sitting duck, waiting to be rescued. A damsel in distress waiting for a prince charming to sweep me off my feet. I'm not hopeless. I'm smart, and sure of myself. I'm not a card he can pull from his back pocket when in search of something he cannot elsewhere find.

He can't just snap his fingers and call me back. He's losing me. That's not my fault, that's his fault.

I've made some mistakes in all of this, but it isn't my fault we're no longer together. I cant give ANYONE anymore than what I've given him. I would ask him, what else can i give? The answer is simple: Nothing. He's got almost every ounce of me. To bad he doesn't have my dignity. That, I'm keeping to myself. No one is tearing me down. I need to keep my heart locked up for now, until he finds the key deep within himself. He posses it, but he'll never find it in the state of mind he finds himself in.

If we get back together, it has to be his choice. He has to chase me, and take me in. He has to confess to me and scream it from rooftops. I deserve nothing less. My love is a gift. He's just to stubborn to except it.

I had never before found it possible to lose faith, but still have hope for a better tomorrow.

Boy, I miss your good days. Wake the hell up and look around. Welcome to our dieing relationship.

October 11/09 - 10:03 p.m.

I'm in a better position than you are, boy.

Unfortunately for you, I'm moving on every day.

The love, doesn't falter, but my thoughts wander into a new future. If you're not going to come with me, move on with me, be with me, it's your loss. Eventually, I'm going to be to far away, and you'll never be able to catch up.

I'm done sitting and waiting, I'm taking confident strides ahead. This girl isn't slowing, never stopping for anyone.

If you want to play with my heart, and toy my emotions. If you want to cheat your honesty and deceive your loyalty, than the best of luck. I always believed in you, I still do. I've got a rare love, you won't find in her, or anyone else.

So it's you I feel bad for, when you're looking back, and you regret it. You regret ever giving up what I had to offer you.

Lets hope you make the right choice.

Here's to hoping you're a fast runner.

October 10/09 - 11:27 p.m.

Life has been better. No, not good, not even great. Just better than it was before. I guess it should be easier now. Things seem to be looking up now, but I still don't feel myself.

Maybe it's because I'm just confused, maybe it's because I still miss him, or maybe I've simply changed. Maybe it's me who's different now.

It's hard to tell.

All I'm really aware of is how hard it is without him being there for me. I keep staying up all night, and waking up every two hours waiting for his call.

Someone rings the doorbell, maybe it's him? It never is. It's impossibly hard to grasp that he's not around, and he's not aware of my life anymore.

Maybe he's changed too. I hope not.

I can't let go of him, I refuse too. If he were to change, it'd be equivalent to losing him forever. The death of his natural radiance, shame.

I'm just hoping I don't mess this up. I've never wanted something so much. Losing this battle, would decease my motivation. My want to succeed in anything. It's so hard to ask yourself why you're put in the position you find yourself in.

Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? No longer fun enough? Am I boring? Are we boring? Are we already dead, trying to jump a flat line to life? I hope not, because in my world, miracles don't happen. They don't exist.

Only consequence, riding on fate.

It scares me. I wake up everyday praying I'm good enough. Maybe I'll change, maybe he'll take me back into his arms. Lift me above all of this, and walk away from it all, hand in hand.

I wish i could say, that I'm confident we'll be together again, and even more so, i wish i could say after all of this I'll be able to forget. Together, or not, what's happened for the past month, was a nightmare. It's twisted every known reality into a spiraling devastation.

Ugh. God I miss him.

October 09/09 - 6:01 p.m.

I've been through a lot lately. I mean, we all go through quite a bit in our lives, but I've been going through A LOT.

The entire month of September, and even a bit into October, I've been a wreck. Never have I felt so out of touch with myself. I've hit rock bottom before, but never have I dug myself below ground level.

I pulled through though, somehow. I'm not really sure how I did it.

Just seems in my darkest hour, I came across the brightest realisation.

I'm never going to be any more, or any less, then who I am. I can try on emotions, and play with my appearance. I can even change my laugh or switch up my friends, but I'll still be me. I'm not going to be any different beneath all the material things, lies, and assumptions.

Lauren. That's who I am.

The moment I realised that, was the same moment I found myself.

Never should i have let myself sink so low. I thought the entire time I needed him to pull me out.

Really though, in reality, I just needed a boost from myself.

Except, it'd be nice to have him back. I mean, I can move on, I'll live without him... but I'd rather have him in my life.

It really is hard to love some one at my age. I may not be IN love, but he truly does mean the world to me. I guess it's best we had this break, so that I could figure out what i wanted out of life.

We can never conditionally love someone,

if we don't love ourselves.

We have to open up to the inner beauty within ourselves,

in order to see it within the people around us.

But how can we love ourselves? When love is selflessness? Good question.
I havn't figured that one out yet.