Life has been better. No, not good, not even great. Just better than it was before. I guess it should be easier now. Things seem to be looking up now, but I still don't feel myself.
Maybe it's because I'm just confused, maybe it's because I still miss him, or maybe I've simply changed. Maybe it's me who's different now.
It's hard to tell.
All I'm really aware of is how hard it is without him being there for me. I keep staying up all night, and waking up every two hours waiting for his call.
Someone rings the doorbell, maybe it's him? It never is. It's impossibly hard to grasp that he's not around, and he's not aware of my life anymore.
Maybe he's changed too. I hope not.
I can't let go of him, I refuse too. If he were to change, it'd be equivalent to losing him forever. The death of his natural radiance, shame.
I'm just hoping I don't mess this up. I've never wanted something so much. Losing this battle, would decease my motivation. My want to succeed in anything. It's so hard to ask yourself why you're put in the position you find yourself in.
Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? No longer fun enough? Am I boring? Are we boring? Are we already dead, trying to jump a flat line to life? I hope not, because in my world, miracles don't happen. They don't exist.
Only consequence, riding on fate.
It scares me. I wake up everyday praying I'm good enough. Maybe I'll change, maybe he'll take me back into his arms. Lift me above all of this, and walk away from it all, hand in hand.
I wish i could say, that I'm confident we'll be together again, and even more so, i wish i could say after all of this I'll be able to forget. Together, or not, what's happened for the past month, was a nightmare. It's twisted every known reality into a spiraling devastation.
Ugh. God I miss him.
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