December 29/09 - 3:36 p.m.

I wish I knew what to say. I've been staring blankly at the computer screen in search of the words to explain how I'm feeling. I can't find them, the words just don't exist. I guess I'm just.. confused. I feel mixed up, out of touch, or something like that. It's like I'm trying to feel something, but there's nothing there to feel.

I suppose it's because of last night. In fact, I'm sure it probably is. I realised that I'm really forcing this. I'm forcing myself to move on when I'm really not ready to. Thing is, I might have to. So where does that leave me? How am I supposed to force myself to move on, only because I have to, when I really don't want to? There's only a few days left of December, soon a brand new year will unfold before me, and I'll be forced to live with it. Besides, this very well could be my last year.

I think I'm maybe scared, more than anything. I've been begging for this month to end, but I think I'd rather it stay for a while. Right now, I'm almost happy. I've lost nothing, yet. I don't know if I'm ready to walk out of this in between. I just don't think I'm ready to start living again. I would rather sit in his living room for a little while longer, would rather be sure of at least one thing for a few weeks more.

I'm not sure of much, but I am sure that I'm just not ready.

Then again, when am I ever?

December 25/09 - 11:33 p.m.

I guess I'm more than crazy.
A little less than dead.
I guess I've over estimated easy.
My colours fading red.

I guess you're just as lost as I.
Drifting through dark rooms.
I guess you're never one to lie.
You just avoid the truth that looms.

I guess I've been a little selfish.
Shouldn't assume the best for you.
Can't keep counting on a wish,
though I'm sure you'd use one too.

I guess a lot of things are different now.
Nothing ever stays the same.
I guess all's to ask is "How?"
Can't keep playing this same game.

I guess I should have left a month ago.
Should have released my solid grip.
I guess my conscious told me so.
My heart escaped an echoed rip.

I guess I've done enough of guessing.
Enough of wondering what we'll be.
I guess I'm tired of all the stressing.
Would rather spend time, you and me.

Because I guess though things are different,
always turning with great stride...
I know the things you say, you meant.
I know for this price, it's worth the ride.

December 24/09 - 11:23 p.m.

I woke up today and made a eyeopening realisation:
Everyone really isn't so different. All of us are all looking for someone to realise who we really are. All of us are never good enough, but still we live on... why? Because our days are numbered.


I'm beginning to think maybe I've already wasted to much time.
Is it time to give up on past romance once and for all? I'll figure that one out at a better time.

It's Christmas,
enjoy the show.
I already want my money back.

December 23/09 - 7:18 p.m.

My entire life, I've celebrated Christmas. The anticipation boiling in my stomach as it twisted into anxious knots of excitement. This year, just the thought of smiling makes me nauseous. I could blame it on my age, one to many days past fifteen. I could blame it on the pathetic snow, whisking the ground with slush. Grey mixed with the green of grass, the only thing left to remind me of better days. Summer days.

Lately, my heads been spinning. My mind has been working out of control in order to keep up with the irregular beat my heart's been acquiring, working so desperately to fill the hole. That piece that had been ripped out of me, slowly infecting itself, eating away at itself. I suppose I should have moved on when I still had the chance, but that chance has come and gone. I couldn't leave him if i wanted to now.

It took just one kiss, one "I miss you too", and a simple caress. Took just one moonlight dance in the warmth of the fireplace, in the light of a Christmas tree. It took just one gaze into those lusty eyes, and just one flicker of an old flame, to kick me while I was already down. Seems pointless to get up from this cold stone floor, when I spent three months standing up, and it only took two weeks to shove me back down.

Laying under the covers, in the comforts of the bed we once shared, I can't help but assume he's mine. I can taste it, I can feel it. He's right in front of me, we're together again. The exchanging of breath and the friction of skin. It seems what's going to kill me though, is where his heart lies. All I can do is find him a reason to keep him with me, but the sad truth is I can't. The only reason I have is love. I fear that's far from enough for him. I'm not her, I'm never going to be more than this. I'm beginning to accept I'm always going to be lesser than someone else, I'm always going to be second best to someone else.

I just hope when he looks through his long lashes, and looks at my hopeful face, he sees someone beautiful. I hope through his eyes, he can look at me and smile. Look past the bad days, and find hope in future days. I hope he wakes up and thinks of me, smiles at the thought of me. I hope in his heart, he feels he needs more of me. Can't live without me. I can only hope.

I suppose this Christmas, isn't about cheer, and isn't about family. It's about waiting. I'm going to spend the rest of this year waiting on the year to come, going into a dark room not knowing what's to appear as a result. When I close my eyes, I see me and him together again, him kissing my forehead as I go into the surgery I might never awake from. I need him now more than ever.

It's not fair to tie him to me because I'm dying, but I suppose if he does love me, if he does care for me, then it'll be enough to date me, and be there for me. As much as I value friendship, it breaks my heart to think we might not ever be more.

I love you, and I'm so sorry.

December 22/09 - 9:49 p.m.

A faded rose,
our secret place,
no body knows.
A change of pace,
her in your bed.
I'm not her,
her cheeks burning red.

I could try my whole life,
to be someone i'm not
Take this sleek knife,
Become anew, the old me to rott.
She'll take you in,
she'll warm it up,
She'll take you for the win.

Maybe I'm not enough,
can't give what she's been giving.
Maybe it's just to tough,
to many fights to be living.
Couldn't blame you for wanting more,
wanting her.
My heart forever, pour.

One December kiss,
Closed eyes, embrace.
The feeling I'll miss,
friction and lace.
I've realised I'm never more than myself,
always less than someone else,
always a dusty picture upon your broken shelf.

I'll wait through wasted time,
take every moment you give to me.
Turn every heartbeat to effortless rhyme,
and pray I wont be alone, we.
I suppose realisations are yet to come,
and your the fire, will only burn brighter,
because for now, you're the only one.

December 22/09 - 1:09 p.m.

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,

and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey.

I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell.

I'm ready now, I'm ready now,

I'm ready now to fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream"

December 19/09 - 9:24 p.m.

They keep playing sad songs on the radio
And I feel like I'm so alone
On this 15 hour drive
And all the while I tell my self to just believe
Cause nobody can give so much
And never get anything

Everyone I used to know
says they don't know what i've become
But I'm still the same
not much has changed
I still know where I came from

I fell asleep with the lights on
I can see your the first one in a long time.
That had some faith in me


A Day To Remember - Another Song About The Weekend

December 17/09 - 11:04 p.m.

I just found out one of the most important boys in my life,
who's been a brother to me for a while now,
and is the most incredible singer i've ever heard in my entire life,
that used to sing with me every day, fourth period,
and used to star gaze with me, and sing me my favourite song,
probably has throat cancer,
and may never sing again.
No..

December 16/09 - 7:16 p.m.

Dearest Lauren;

You are the most beautiful person, I've probably ever mett. No matter what you've been there for me when I need you. You listen to me, even when I have nothing to say. And you make me laugh, when I thought maybe I'd never smile again.

I don't think you realise how many lives you've touched, and how much you've changed mine. I'd have nothing to smile about at all my whole life if you wern't in it. My best days, are the day's I've spent with you. It seems like no one ever gives you the time of day to show them how great you are. The great advice you give, the loyalty you posess. You're so passionate, and honest. Never keeping the truth far from reach, living up front and in the moment. I never understand when friends betray you, or boys leave you. I'm just glad you found a guy you can care for, and love... because I know how hard that is for you. You have no idea how content it makes me feel that you could look me in the eye and swear to me, "He's perfect, in his own way. I could never ask for more." He seems great, and he brings out the better in you, and that's what you deserve. You deserve to finally be happy, instead of spending your time making other people happy.

I know maybe it won't make any sense to you why I needed to do this. But I did need to do this. It has nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself. I swear, you're the reason I made it even this far... but I've known this was coming for a long time now.

Just let me leave you with this: Never give up on the people you love, and always have faith in yourself. You of all people, should be looking strait ahead with your head held high, because I'm sure Shian, Lauren, and especially Dan, can see that you're just a beautiful person, inside and out. If you're boy's smart, he'll know that he's never going to find another girl like you in a million years.

Take care, and good luck in the years to come. I'll see you again, someday.

Love,
K.B.

December 15/09 - 5:46 p.m.

Gone.

December 12/09 - 1:31 p.m.

"It's a mad world."

December 08/09 - 7:19 p.m.

It's funny house easy it is, to fall in and out.

In and out of love, in and out of life.

It's funny how easy it is, to lose yourself.

Forget yourself, make a mess of yourself.

It's funny how torn I've become, over you.

Thinking of you, waiting for you.



You're the only one who's ever known me, or tried to.

The only one I'm myself with, happy with.

So where are you? Why can't you find me?

Why can't you find that love inside of you?

I pray you'll feel it, I pray you'll see it.

Boy, it's right in front of you.

Flashing lights and massive signs, pay attention!

Take the time to stop looking so far ahead,

and live for this. Live for now. Live for today.



I'm yours to keep, yours for the taking.

I just can't lose a smile like yours, not yet.

I found who I am without you, it's just not good enough.

Let me find who I am within the fire burning bright in your eyes.

Let me feel who I am through the purity of your soul.

Let me be. Let us be together, again.

December 06/09 - 11:57 p.m.

Honestly I Tell You

I've done a lot of waiting, love
for your sweet return.
A candle in my darkest room,
a strand a hope, of happiness.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson,
while I was crying on the phone.
But no matter how hard I shook the thought,
it never left me. You never left me.

Days deseased, graves of months despite my efforts.
I lost you, I lost it all.
A single tear, heavy with regret.
I should have listened. I never listen.

Just when it was gone, and I heaved one last sigh,
my heavy eyes forced just one last look ahead.
There you were. You were there.
Finally.

A chance from around a corner,
hitting my life with all it's force.
All the love I forced beneath me suddenly surfaced, no holding back.
You're here now. I feel you now.

A slowdance in that shallow hall,
laughter from behind my teeth.
A twinkle in your eyes as you swore to me.
I miss you too.

A caress, lead to bliss.
Bliss lead to romance.
I took in the rythm of your heartbeat,
I strive to hear again.
I've missed it, I've missed you.

The past is past, but in my future I want you.
I should have learned my lesson months ago,
but some people never learn.
Though just the same, some people never love,
and that I refuse.

I found you, I lost you.
I waited for you, I called out for you.
You came to me, you've tried for me.
I'll try for you, it's all for you.

So here I'll live, within your eyes.
In the moments that we'll share.
So here I am, a lonely girl,
hoping you'll take her back again.

I refuse to fall, but I'll walk with you,
hand in hand.
Praying for the best,
with not a locked door in sight.

November 26/09 - 10:40 p.m.

Things can get so complicated. Life unfair, and love uninviting. Ive come across consequences with moving on, and complications holding me back.

Some days, I wish I was as pure as the sunset, and as gorgeous as the sunrise. Sometimes I wish, I was desirable, something needed. Someone wanted. Sometimes I wish, I was irreplaceable, unstoppable, something just that much more incredible.

I guess that's why I look at you, and see those honest eyes. Listen to your laughter and feel whole again. Complete again. Worth a second chance, worth another day. Worth another laugh, another word, another breath. Worth while.

You make life worth while.

I look to my past and ask myself once more, why I ever let it come to this. Why I sat and waited, crying and broken, for a man that would never come. Didn't want to, had better things to do. Why did I shut you out, along with the rest of the world, when all I needed all along was to see that smile of yours again. Feel that affection, feel that lust. I feel it, and I feel invincible.

It's been five days now, not even a week. Though it seems you pulled me out of the grave I've been digging for months. I was rock bottom, desperate to escape, and it took you just five days.

One, two, three, four, five.

It took six months to find the love I lost, and just a handful of days to get passed it.
How? We could never be sure. We won't be sure. How could we be sure?

All I'm sure of is forcing myself back to life, and getting over what once dominated my entire life, was the best choice I ever made.

I'm not leaving this time, I couldn't if I tried.

November 24/09 - 11:25 p.m.

It's been a long time since I've confessed this. Written these words down.

Boy likes girl, easier than I remember.

Seems like yesterday the snow was crunching beneath our feet, butterflies in our stomachs and romance on our minds.

For so long I've been fighting a lost cause, forcing a crushed dream. Dreaming of an end to it. Praying, for an end.

The end came, it's here, but has arrived in new attire. A new look, a new feel.

An old flame burning happiness back into my soul, and reminding me how it was, and could be.

Simple. Simplicity in a beautiful design, like the snowflakes from last winter, when it was you and I.

This whole time I was waiting for the summer air to come back. Was waiting to bring the light back into your eyes, and bring a lost love back to me.

Seems, it was long gone. It has been gone. And on that sad day, this fact sunk in, you were there. You always were, but I could never see it before.

Blinded by the past, and the fights breaking my back. Working so hard, when all I had to do was pull my eyes up off the ground, and look up.

"Hello Boy, I missed you."

I guess it's days like these, we remember what we missed.

I guess it's days like this, when I realise all along I had a second chance, not with him but with you. You forgave me, and cared for me, and I could never ask for more.

Time to say goodbye to what happened, and good morning to the snow.

I'm happy. How could I ever thank you?

November 18/08 - 9:08 p.m.

We're Pirates
Written by: Lauren White (Me)

We set sail,
out to twilight.
Out at sea,
at ease through the night.

Peaceful skies, your soothing lullabies.
No storm any challenge.
"It'll calm, it always does."
This adventure so easy, always was.

You looked into my eyes,
you smiled, those butterflies arise.
My hand in yours,
no walls, just doors.
The future, endless.

A dark cloud overhead,
a warning.
I prayed for its passing alone in your bed.
I wanted to believe, thought I knew better.

Lightning struck,
my heart held high and exposed.
It burnt out my light,
your door slammed to a close.
Knock knock, bang.
Let me in, again.
You were gone.

My toes hanging off the plank,
deep waves of regret below.
I jumped, and sank,
my world, slow.

You passed me a lifeline,
friendship off the deck.
The support bobbing in the water,
but dearest, I was a wreck.

I kicked and screamed, threatened and accused.
Yet you still clung to the rope, desperate to save.
But I fought the water, I refused.
You became impatient, but still i was brave.

I've been here for quite a while,
astray in the ice cold.
We've floated a long mile,
the safety in front, but still no hold.
My legs are growing tired,
aboard your ship your arms grown weak.
When I looked up to your eyes,
I had not one word left to speak.

We set sail,
so long ago, upon a gorgeous ship.
Now your love lost among the sea,
it's no longer you and me.
Your will power, at a lack.
I may not ever have you back.


So I'll break down,
and grab your friendship.
You pull me up so I don't drown.
A slight quiver in my lip,
as my feet hit solid ground.
A shrug escaped your shoulders,
the dream lost, the fantasy dead.
You grabbed the wheel, and dropped me off,
back onto the reality, I would dread.

With a halfhearted wave,
was that solemn goodbye.
You did try to save,
still I asked, why?
You said we're on an adventure, still,
upon our lovely ship.
But the currents will take you where they will,
and what comes your way, you'll grip.

Maybe someday,
when the purples light your sky,
you'll look out to shore,
and ask a modest, "Why?"
For now I sit within this lighthouse,
breaking my back to produce some light.
Pave the way for your happiness,
so that maybe you'll come back,
just might.

November 17/09 - 10:45 p.m.

The stories kind of tragic, kind of sad. I'm kind of heart broken, kind of desperate. I'm trying so hard to not plan out how I think things should be, it's impossible. How am I supposed to just sit back and watch him slowly feed his love to someone else? How? Do you know what I'm supposed to do? I sure don't.

So I'm done here. Every word I've said, all I could ever say. There's nothing more to say. So let's hope the current brings you back to me, so I can feel you again. Feel your body again, your love again. I hope, you do come back.



I can't take much more rejection.



I love you, dearest.

November 08/09 - 12:47 p.m.

I've wanted to tell him how great he is, and all the thing I love about him, for a long time now. Every time I try though, he puts himself down, or tells me he's "Just One Guy". Well, he can't stop me from saying it on here, so I'm going to take the time to tell whoever is reading, just how amazing of a person this boy really is.

DMJ

1. Every time he's concentrating, and sitting down at the same time, he makes this adorable squeaking noise. I would always ask what it was, i guess its his "I'm Sitting Down" noise. <3

2. He has a bunny. It's name is Bowie. I nicknamed it Jerry Spring, he thinks Dennis Hopper's much better, he won't admit he's wrong. <3

3. Whenever I'm upset, he always asks what's wrong. Even if he can't stand to look at me at the time, even if we're broken up and I've been fighting with him all day long. If I'm crying, he's there. <3

4. He makes the best Kraft dinner, you will EVER taste. Not even joking. <3

5. His music really is kind of amazing, but that's only because it's the same as mine, aha <3

6. This one time, he flashed me a smile in his basement in the dim of his lights. I've only seen that look on his face once in the whole time I've known him. It was the most beautiful smile, I'd ever seen. Every time I think of him, it's that I remember. <3

7. He can make me laugh even when I'm having the worst day of my life. He knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. <3

8. He used to give me a song to listen to while he was gone for a weekend in case I missed him. I had made a play list with all those songs, and the whole time we were together I'd fall asleep to them playing. <3

9. His singing voice might be slightly out of tune, but it's the most soothing sound I've ever heard. One of my favourite memories of him is when I was upset, and he came over, took me in his arms and sang to me until I felt better. He made me smile, again <3

10. This one time, I was afraid our entire relationship was based on just one thing. He looked me in the eyes, and instead of telling me, he dipped me backwards in a movie like kiss, and I just knew. <3

11. Almost every song he loves has crowds cheering in it. I don't know why i noticed it, but I love it. <3

12. He's really good at video games, and instead of teaching me how to do it, he full out just beats me every time. I wouldn't want it any other way. <3

13. I can always tell from his eyes how he's feeling. I miss the way he used to look at me... <3

14. He doesn't judge people. He accepts people for who they are, and doesn't dislike anyone unless they give him a good reason. And even then, he's incredibly forgiving. <3

15. His laugh takes my breath away. <3

16. He loves pirates, and has a pirate flag hanging on the wall of his room. I love pirates too. <3

17. He's an incredible writer. That's actually the original reason i wanted to know him. Something about how he can't get the words out unless they're written poetry... is just so beautiful to me. <3

18. We always fight, but I'm not sure why we bother. Both of us know we'll get over it, we'll get through it. If i could date him again I'd be sure to keep fighting to a close minimum. <3

19. He has a pond in his backyard. He once told me the fish dead on the filter, reminded him of me. That day still makes me smile. <3

20. When deciding on a movie to watch, we would always argue because he would insist I pick the movie I wanted. I didn't care what we watched, I was just happy I was watching it with him. <3

21. His sweaters are so soft, and his smell is intoxicating. Weird, but it has a huge effect on me. <3

22. His heartbeat makes me feel alive. Always. <3

23. He's passionate about everything he does. He's involved in his community and cares a lot about his positive image. I've never seen him in any sort of negative light. <3

24. He tells me how gorgeous, smart, and funny I am. But i know that he doesn't see it in himself. I strive every day to show this boy just how incredible he is. No, he's not perfect. But his flaws add to his overall beauty. He's absolutely stunning. <3

25. Every time he tells me to move on, it reminds me what of what I'm fighting for. I'm fighting for all of this. Everything we had, everything we'll ever be, and everything I hope we'll be. I know I've made so many mistakes, but if I ever get a chance to see that gaze in his eyes again, I'll be sure to take advantage of every moment. This time away from him, didn't ruin anything for me. If anything, it's really emphasized just how great he is, just how much i love him, and just how much I love who I am when I'm with him.

<3

I just want to be what he deserves.

November 05/09 - 10:57 p.m.

Untitled, Entitled.

Things change as often as the weather.
People move on, though I move slower than the seasons.
I often think of what it was like; I can feel it even now.
The feel of you, your heart beat, thud-thud.

It's sad it ended, I'm sure you'd agree.
Funny how you say you care, but not enough to try.
Sorry, I'm out of line again.
What I feel never seems to please you, ever.

What if I kissed you, confessed to you.
Would you fight it? Would you smile?
What if we tried, just for a night?
What would happen? Where would this adventure lead?
Who knows? We wouldn't know.

Now I'm trapped in the ultimate cliff-hanger,
afraid of heights, and unable to let go.
You’re stepping on the loose ends of silk, keep walking away.
Just watch how fast I'll unravel.

I'm no mind reader, I'm no mind controller.
I can't sway you, I've tried.
I can't understand you anymore, many have tried.
But I suppose I know why I can't bare to be mad at you.
Simply because you're part of me, you are me.
Harm to you, self inflicted.

I'm delicate, sensitive. I'm weak.
You keep tearing me down, it gets harder to come back to you.
Carrying the knife in my palm, but the blade keeps cutting deeper.
I won't give up on you, but I have to stray from what hurts me.
I love you, but I have to put behind me what breaks me down.

Spending my life, wishing my life involved you, is barely a life at all.
In fact, it's pathetic. Sorry to say.
Maybe when the sun gets a little hotter, the moon gets a little brighter,
the chemistry will realign. Maybe.
I might still take you back, could you blame me?

What we had was beautiful, admit it.
Stop kicking it down, and let me raise it up.
Remember it for all of its glory, and shine light on the memories.
It's not a lost cause; you're not a lost cause.
It's just a different cause.
The cause of this, made us grow.
I've grown, thank you.

I miss you, do you miss me too?

November 05/09 - 5:32 p.m.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

World, stop spinning.

November 04/09 - 6:06 p.m.

Twenty-Five Things About Myself

1. I over think and over analyse pretty much everything. My trains of thought run on colliding tracks, constantly causing myself devastation.

2. Lyrics in songs mean more to me than people realise. I actually search my entire play list in search for a song that talks about how I'm feeling, and will then listen to it on repeat until the feeling passes.



3. My five favourite bands are Brand New, The Hush Sound, The Spill Canvas, The Rocket Summer and A Day to Remember.



4. I'm passionate about the people I love. We have been apart for two months now, and haven't let up once. He sees it as a bad thing, I hope he eventually sees it in a brighter light.



5. I have a habit of seeing the beauty in people, even if I don't acknowledge it.



6. Saturday's are my favourite day of the week.



7. My dream is to go to Paris with someone I love, and share a kiss on the Eiffel Tower. I've had the same dream since I was a little girl.



8. I have low self esteem, and I'm really sensitive to what people say to me. I'm even more sensitive to what people say behind my back. If you do, I've heard about it, trust me.



9. I only breakdown when I'm alone. I've only cut loose all the sadness and hurt I carry in front of someone else once. That boy, is the reason I'm still alive.



10. My defense mechanism = humour.



11. I do musicals.



12. I'm a legit bookworm. I love to read, but I've been so busy lately its hard to get a few chapters in. Between everything I'm involved in and trying to catch sleep, I haven't been able to lose myself between the pages of the new books I bought back in summer.



13. I always blame myself, and I'm always first to apologize unless they beat me to it.



14. I can't seem to hold on to best friends. As soon as I become close with them, something happens and I lose them. I currently have two best friends. One's been there for me since I was in senior kindergarten, the other grasps my heart so tightly it seems almost impossible. I'm not sure of what I'd do without him. My other best friend, from birth, died recently from suicide. Rest in peace girl, I miss you.



15. I would never want to read minds. I can't deal with my own thoughts, let alone other peoples.



16. When I'm not interested in something, I'll procrastinate and sometimes not bother all together. If I care, I'll put everything I have into it, and won't stop until I'm fulfilled.



17. I hate Halloween, and I'm obsessed with Christmas.



18. I draw when I'm bored in class, but I fail. Miserably.



19. I'm addicted to the computer. Not joking.



20. I strongly believe love is much more powerful then hate, simply because it takes love to truly hate. Try and fight that? I'll prove you wrong.



21. I've never been on a plane.



22. I'm one of the only girls on the planet that doesn't enjoy shopping. I'd rather catch a movie.



23. I can type as fast as I think.



24. I fail at video games, not even joking. I'm probably the only person you'll race in Mario Kart that you can lap.. more than once.



25. I don't expect people to read my blog, but when someone does, it litterally makes my week.

November 03/09 - 4:26 p.m.

It's funny how time works. How it fasts and slows against us, making life harder then it should be. One minute, gone to soon. The next, the longest sixty seconds of your life. These past months have gone by so fast it seems only a dream I was locked inside of my room, crying and thrashing with emotional pain just around six weeks ago. Funny how it feels like only yesterday I was over at Dan's house kissing him in his doorway.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

There's only four more weeks until my performance, only a few more than that until New Years. I've been trying not to think about my deal about that. Is it to late to take that back? It seems so close, I don't want to give up so easily.

So many things, seem so close but much to far these days, him included. I can almost reach him now, but I cant grab hold. The cruelest of frustration. I'm being patient, I'm not planning. I'm trying to float along, let things come as they will and fall as they please. I'm aloud to hope it all falls in my favour though, right? No harm in a shooting star, I'm sure.

Tomorrow's to far, and next months to close. Time's working its magic against me, against my will. I can't stop it, so I'm doing all I can do. I just have to keep moving.

October 26/09 - 12:16 a.m.

Dearest, Happiness.

Do you want to know a secret?
A vicious secret, that rattles off my ribcage
and beats to the rhythm of your being?
Races to the crash of your syllables,
running together into a perfect word?
It's love. I love you too.

How foolish, am I?
I beg of you, scold me.
The shadow that's crept across my eyesight blinds me.
I'm blinded.
I suppose, I'd rather not see who I've become.
I'm changing more often than the weather,
and your shifting like the waves of my imagination.

Things are getting rough, where's the bright side?
The amazement in your eyes dimmed with the sound of your voice.
You're tired, aren't you?
I don't blame you, i swear.
Don't you believe me?
It figures I'd put this to waste. We waste everything.
I should have embraced it while it existed, not asked questions.
I always question. I question myself.
Why is it always about me?

This is about you, my love.
About how beautiful you are. How gorgeous our love is, was.
You amaze me.
Your smile, oh please God, bring that smile back to me.
This world is so big, but with you I feel twice as tall.
I found happiness, so why would I let it go?
Why do I do this to myself?

Take me back into your arms.
Just fall for me, damn it, just fall.
Tie your hands behind your back and let me catch you.
I can't stand up, but from here I can soften your modest landing.
It's selfish to say, but I need you.
You're so perfect, perfection at it's finest.
You're my personal peace of mine bound by warm flesh.

Take my heart. You can abuse it, just take it.
Shove it in your pocket, string me along.
I've made some bad decisions, but I've decided on you.
I'm not turning back, not again, not ever.

I'm just floating through life, trying to find an answer.
Just one answer, to one of my questions.
But how cruel a game.
A lifetime and not one strand of knowing.
I don't know anything at all, but what my heart tells me.
What you've shown me.
I see you, and that's as real as this could ever get.
You make me happy.
I feel happy.
Together, happiness.

October 22/09 - 11:44 p.m.

I'm so messed up. My world is falling apart at the seams. I can try and patch it all I want, but its unraveling faster than ever. I could never possibly catch up. He could only stop this breakdown I've been hiding, but he won't. I could never ask him to anyways. It's not his fault, not his business. He's free now, he doesn't have to stick around and take care of poor old me. My stories over told, and over-rated. I'm not the only one. I need to just get over it.

I'd say more, but there's not much more to say. I'm almost at my breaking point, and I've never been so scared.

October 21/09 - 7:16 p.m.

Cross my heart, and hope to die, I'll try as hard as I can to please you. I've been trying so hard, do you see it? I'm different now. I've changed now, baby. I'm just so glad we went the way we did, so glad you hurt me so bad. Why? Because now we're here, today. Friends, and a mysterious future. I can barely see my hand in front of my face, never mind where we're headed tomorrow.

We make lots of mistakes, and we seem to never get anything right, but that's different now. Things are just getting better. We're friends forever, and lovers in disguise. Don't hide it boy, don't you feel it? Open up your heart and let me hold it to mine. Grab the key and unlock my love. Let it shower you in glory, and cushion your insecurities. I'm here for you. Always was, still am, always will be.

You're beautiful, inside and out. You're smart, and you're talented. Funny and crazy. Boy, you drive me crazy. I love it. I love you. I don't want a second chance. I want something new all together, it can happen. Can't it?

So look around! Wake up! Stop sleeping! This is the healthiest we've ever been, and this is the most promise we've ever withheld.

Now this is something to write about.

Thank the heavens.

October 20/09 - 3:51 p.m.

I've been having such a weird time. Not really a hard time, just weird. I'm no longer sad, angry, frustrated, or really anything at all. I feel empty. I don't feel anymore. The only thing I've felt all day today was my throbbing rib cage due to a torn muscle. Other than that, nothing. I suppose, he took more from me than I realised. When I'm with him, I live. I feel things, good and bad. I felt alive, for once. Now it's gone and I'm left feeling... well nothing.

I need a bit of momentum. I need something to bring me off the ground, and raise me back up to my potential. I'm tired of touching, I need to feel. Colours seem much to dull, and emotions seem hazed. It's only when he looks at me that my heart leaps out of my chest, my pulse racing, my body given a sudden jump start to reality. The haze turns to a piercing realisation and a blush creeps across my cheeks. Adrenalin. I love it. Those lips, I'd kiss them if I could. I can't though, I'll hold back. There's no other options.

-Sigh-

Things just aren't the same.

Shame.

October 19/09 - 10:57 p.m.

Friendship. I forgot about it. What a funny thing it is, truly. I lost touch of what it meant to me. All I've ever considered these days, is my relationship. That's stupid. I only had one relationship, but I was neglecting my friendships. Then again, I can't give away my friendship to anyone, anymore. I'm starting to discover trust issues within myself I'd never before possessed. Could you blame me? How am I supposed to trust anyone other than him? He is, after all, the only one who knows me inside an out, reads me like a book, and yet he still keeps his mouth shut. Where else do I find that? Well, in Lauren, but it seems she's distanced to me these days. So only he's at hand. Ironic. I try to back away from him, and I end up turning back with different intentions. Intentions of friendship.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm giving into friendship. I'm guilty, but I'm loving it. It's much easier being on his side than being against him. Against hurts to much. He's practically apart of me, upsetting him is equivalent to angering myself. Why does that make any sense? Seems I only did it before to turn him onto the idea of dating me. Man, I'm an idiot.

This reminds me, I've recently got in touch with myself and realised I don't want to date anyone. Yeah, you heard me. I would still love my next boyfriend, to be the same as my last, but lets not push that. I just want to float along the inevitable. Stop trying to change things before they even begin and let it all run its course. It's the only way. I'm not the only one who has no idea what's in store for all of us. I just hope it's good.

It must be. It simply has to be... right?

October 18/09 - 11:07 p.m.

I probably could have been mad at you all day today. I probably could have held the grudge I've been carrying with me, and continue on yelling as I did this morning. I really could have. Maybe I should have? I didn't though. I couldn't, though. Lucky you.

I guess there's some advantages of having a best friend for an ex boyfriend. Sure, it hurts a million times more to be rejected, but it's easier. Kind of. In a sense. Now wounds will be glossed over with a fresh friendship. We can grow and learn from all of this, and still be in the comforts of each others company. Sounds fun. Sounds complicated, but I'm strong enough.

Hey, who knows whats in store for our future? We really don't have a clue, that's certain. Things happen, things change. Circumstances alter and feelings come in heavy waves. For now though, I'm just happy I have you. You're amazing. You hurt me, but you're a keeper. Ironic.

I'm just happy I have you. I'm just glad you're eyes still fill with love when you look at me, regardless of how you use that love. Just as long as I have it, I'll get through.

After all, you've kept me alive this long. I owe you this much. Now its my turn, to not back down on you.

October 16/09 - 7:45 p.m.

Thank you. Thank you for putting me through this. I'm glad, we're not back together. You and I both know that we can't go from this, to how we were. Any chance for us, will come with much time. MUCH, time. Dating at this point, would just be a mockery of what we have. We won't feel the same, no. We need to build from the ground up.

When we first started seeing each other, we started at relationship. We were never anything less. We started right into the common relationships people find themselves in every day. When we officially started dating, we subconsciously felt we had to raise the bar, and the next level up was a serious relationship. We kept building up, one step back and five steps forward. Until we found we were so far above ground. I looked down, and freaked out. Backed down. Mistake. I came falling to the ground waiting for you to reach out your arms to catch me. But you didn't. Yes, I fell. I fell head first into the ground. Looking up, I felt I could never build it up. I could never climb that high again, in fear of falling.

But that's the way of life. It's how love works.

We build ourselves up with the risk of falling.

I'm a risk taker. I wont wait for him, but I'll embrace the ones i love, and live life in that fashion.

The way I should have from the start.

October 15/09 - 5:17 p.m.

My heart jumped out of my chest. His hand, simply rested on my knee. My heart; thump-thump. I had brushed it off uncertainly. Though the feel of it, the warmth of his tender touch stayed tattooed to my skin. I became so aware of it, and of him. He's even more beautiful these days, he must be. Or maybe it seems that way simply because I've been waiting so long for that very moment. I've been waiting so long for him to smile at me. It blinded me, and I returned it with my own. First time I've flashed a genuine smile in weeks.

I know that I can't be sure of much. I know, the odds can turn with just a small wind of fate. I know it. It just seems so right for us to be together. It baffles me. We've been through hell and back and still he makes me nervous, and still i feel the spark. It jolts through my body, forcing me to life.

He really is something. You'd have to see him through my eyes, to truly see it for yourself. Only then will you see him like I do. Every inch of his skin a perfect harmony of love. His feelings shining through his eyes, his soul exposed as he saw right into me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, happiness.
I'm so happy.

I'm closer to being with the boy I love, with every passing day. Tomorrow? I'll be just that much closer. I can't even imagine how amazing my life will be, when things fall back into perfect pace. Perfection, all of it.

I can see the light.

October 12/09 - 7:05 p.m.

You tell me so many things, and I believe them. You keep things away from me, and I over look them. It bothers me, but I suppose I'd rather be in the dark than be exposed to the harsh lighting.

I used to be so sure you meant it, when you said you'd never hurt me. If that were true though, why have I been hurting every day? And why do you push me away and suggest I move on? Yet you keep me sticking around? Why do i feel like a fall back plan, while you explore better possibilities? Oh, don't get me wrong, I've considered other possibilities. Anything to distract me from the neglect. I can't though. It's much harder a task then originally expected.

I'm starting to think I'm not the one who isn't living in reality here. It seems to me, he's lost sight of this situation. I'm not a sitting duck, waiting to be rescued. A damsel in distress waiting for a prince charming to sweep me off my feet. I'm not hopeless. I'm smart, and sure of myself. I'm not a card he can pull from his back pocket when in search of something he cannot elsewhere find.

He can't just snap his fingers and call me back. He's losing me. That's not my fault, that's his fault.

I've made some mistakes in all of this, but it isn't my fault we're no longer together. I cant give ANYONE anymore than what I've given him. I would ask him, what else can i give? The answer is simple: Nothing. He's got almost every ounce of me. To bad he doesn't have my dignity. That, I'm keeping to myself. No one is tearing me down. I need to keep my heart locked up for now, until he finds the key deep within himself. He posses it, but he'll never find it in the state of mind he finds himself in.

If we get back together, it has to be his choice. He has to chase me, and take me in. He has to confess to me and scream it from rooftops. I deserve nothing less. My love is a gift. He's just to stubborn to except it.

I had never before found it possible to lose faith, but still have hope for a better tomorrow.

Boy, I miss your good days. Wake the hell up and look around. Welcome to our dieing relationship.

October 11/09 - 10:03 p.m.

I'm in a better position than you are, boy.

Unfortunately for you, I'm moving on every day.

The love, doesn't falter, but my thoughts wander into a new future. If you're not going to come with me, move on with me, be with me, it's your loss. Eventually, I'm going to be to far away, and you'll never be able to catch up.

I'm done sitting and waiting, I'm taking confident strides ahead. This girl isn't slowing, never stopping for anyone.

If you want to play with my heart, and toy my emotions. If you want to cheat your honesty and deceive your loyalty, than the best of luck. I always believed in you, I still do. I've got a rare love, you won't find in her, or anyone else.

So it's you I feel bad for, when you're looking back, and you regret it. You regret ever giving up what I had to offer you.

Lets hope you make the right choice.

Here's to hoping you're a fast runner.

October 10/09 - 11:27 p.m.

Life has been better. No, not good, not even great. Just better than it was before. I guess it should be easier now. Things seem to be looking up now, but I still don't feel myself.

Maybe it's because I'm just confused, maybe it's because I still miss him, or maybe I've simply changed. Maybe it's me who's different now.

It's hard to tell.

All I'm really aware of is how hard it is without him being there for me. I keep staying up all night, and waking up every two hours waiting for his call.

Someone rings the doorbell, maybe it's him? It never is. It's impossibly hard to grasp that he's not around, and he's not aware of my life anymore.

Maybe he's changed too. I hope not.

I can't let go of him, I refuse too. If he were to change, it'd be equivalent to losing him forever. The death of his natural radiance, shame.

I'm just hoping I don't mess this up. I've never wanted something so much. Losing this battle, would decease my motivation. My want to succeed in anything. It's so hard to ask yourself why you're put in the position you find yourself in.

Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? No longer fun enough? Am I boring? Are we boring? Are we already dead, trying to jump a flat line to life? I hope not, because in my world, miracles don't happen. They don't exist.

Only consequence, riding on fate.

It scares me. I wake up everyday praying I'm good enough. Maybe I'll change, maybe he'll take me back into his arms. Lift me above all of this, and walk away from it all, hand in hand.

I wish i could say, that I'm confident we'll be together again, and even more so, i wish i could say after all of this I'll be able to forget. Together, or not, what's happened for the past month, was a nightmare. It's twisted every known reality into a spiraling devastation.

Ugh. God I miss him.

October 09/09 - 6:01 p.m.

I've been through a lot lately. I mean, we all go through quite a bit in our lives, but I've been going through A LOT.

The entire month of September, and even a bit into October, I've been a wreck. Never have I felt so out of touch with myself. I've hit rock bottom before, but never have I dug myself below ground level.

I pulled through though, somehow. I'm not really sure how I did it.

Just seems in my darkest hour, I came across the brightest realisation.

I'm never going to be any more, or any less, then who I am. I can try on emotions, and play with my appearance. I can even change my laugh or switch up my friends, but I'll still be me. I'm not going to be any different beneath all the material things, lies, and assumptions.

Lauren. That's who I am.

The moment I realised that, was the same moment I found myself.

Never should i have let myself sink so low. I thought the entire time I needed him to pull me out.

Really though, in reality, I just needed a boost from myself.

Except, it'd be nice to have him back. I mean, I can move on, I'll live without him... but I'd rather have him in my life.

It really is hard to love some one at my age. I may not be IN love, but he truly does mean the world to me. I guess it's best we had this break, so that I could figure out what i wanted out of life.

We can never conditionally love someone,

if we don't love ourselves.

We have to open up to the inner beauty within ourselves,

in order to see it within the people around us.

But how can we love ourselves? When love is selflessness? Good question.
I havn't figured that one out yet.